I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
