fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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