Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
