i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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