cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
