I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
