The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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