6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
