how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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