Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
