chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
