Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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