He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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