I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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