I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
