I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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