dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
