girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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