I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize