Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
