Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
