I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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