from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
