i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize