dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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