Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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