What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
