o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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