my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
