I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
