what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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