i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
