arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
if only i could text you this smell
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
