Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
