I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
