Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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