Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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