grandma shit on top of the toilet
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
