he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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