i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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