Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
