you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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