Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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