On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
