so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
