Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
