He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
