Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
