Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
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