Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
