Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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