he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
