Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
