I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
