if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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