just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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