took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
