She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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