Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
