I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
