My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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