If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
