i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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