***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You're a disaster
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