I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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