he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
