Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
