I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
