Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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