My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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