I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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